aries: oh, you’re trying, darling. I know you’re trying hard. But a desperate buy on Amazon will not satisfy the yearning ache you have in your heart to be loved and held and shore you up against the world. Also, you have shitty taste in costume jewellery.
taurus: every bit of you aches, so consider buying some compression bandages for your soul. I think you can find them at Tesco or Holland and Barrett. If not, be ready to shake apart the next time you go over a pothole.
gemini: stop being too clever for your own good or you’ll piss off a king who will order one ear shorn from the side of your head and take off two fingers when you protest further. Speak little, look more, bring down the emperor and dance at his funeral procession.
cancer: would it kill you to express an single emotion? Why don’t you try and find out?
leo: nobody in the world is impressed with you in the way you are impressed with yourself and it’s honestly kind of exhausting you haven’t figured that out yet. You may be the star of your own comedy special but it was only available for a limited time on Quibi.
virgo: ever taken a trip to the water? Maybe stood under a porch while a storm rages up ahead? It’s a dumb idea even though it seems romantic, don’t fry your brain for a photo opportunity that will only get 8 likes on Instagram.
libra: how does it feel to be mostly eaten by a lion? Don’t you want to find out?
scorpio: oh, come on. Nobody’s that comfortable in that much black. It doesn’t even match - that one’s faded to a kind of blue, and you can see the orange coming through the other one.
sagittarius: what if, instead of a human, you were a butterfly? They only live for two weeks, months of being something disgusting and friendless and suddenly two weeks of love and adoration.
what if you shut the hell up?
capricorn: turn off the surety. We can be certain of nothing in this dreadful world except that taxes and death both hurt the poor before the rich.
aquarius: your cat sticks close to you because you are useful now (as provider of food) and later (as a colder, unmoving provider of food).
pisces: you would be happier if you took more baths. You’re a fish. You are a literal, actual fish, with WiFi at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.
Links
Spoiler alert: Most of them were dickheads. Also I’m so glad I haven’t had to have a job where I pretend the complete opposite of what I actually believe, politics-wise.
You Don’t Have To Be A Superhero | Vulture
I disagree with some aspects of this article but nevertheless I do agree that it’s broadly a good thing the media is waking up to the fact that autistic people are not exclusively white male children under 7.